I claw my way out of the dream, my heart racing, my throat on fire and breath ragged from running and screaming in terror, tears streaming down my face, I rip at the blankets that have me trapped, ensnared…and slowly, much too fucking slowly I awaken and the feeling of having barely escaped something or someone completely evil subsides, but only a little bit.
I lay in the dark, try to catch my breath as my eyes adjust to the dark, the comforting blue light on my cell phone blinks on the table beside me. I unconsciously take my left hand with my right and hold it, like I did when I was a kid and pretend like it’s someone there holding my hand telling me it’s okay. I’m going to be okay. But the tears don’t stop. And I think that even though it’s the monsters, the doubts, the insecurities, the fears that keep me awake most nights are horrible at least I can keep them at bay when I’m awake, when I’m alert, I can keep the wolves at bay – light fires fueled by planning, eating, distraction anything to encircle me – keeping me safe. But in my dreams I am chased by monsters that come in masks of people from the past and I can’t fight them. I can’t save myself from them and I am just so fucking afraid all of the time and when I sleep I let myself relax, I let my stomach unclench for two seconds and that’s when they come for me.
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And this is not new to me, this monster, this fear….this holding vigil at 3 am because my mind won’t shut off. But I just realized that this is different. I don’t have to let this fear rule me anymore. It’s time to face the monsters, stand my ground and say you don’t scare me anymore. I’m gonna stop running and I’m going to stay and fight. I have a lot changes coming up and I can beat myself up every day and in every way for choices I’ve made or I can just say enough. It’s just enough. I can’t change anything about the past I can only make better choices in the future and try to create a safe, loving space for myself right now, today. I thought that I wanted the approval of other people for the decisions I’m making but that’s not true I want my approval and my forgiveness. I am on the right path. I forgive myself for the hurts I have visited on others and on myself. I’m hurting right now but I am not alone, I am surrounded by people who are holding out their hands and hearts to me every day I just have to reach out to them. I deserve to be safe and I’m going to create that safety for myself. And this punishing myself thing, yeah, it’s going to stop. No more numbing out with food, no more sitting on the couch, frozen with fear. I’m going to nourish myself with good food, move my body and lighten my heart. I’m going to be accountable for myself and to myself alone. I can do this, even if it is only one step at a time or one breath at a time. And the first step is to go back to sleep. Fuck you Freddy Krueger.
