Feminism & Porn

I'm going to start this blog off by saying that I know that some people (who shall remain nameless) are going to have their panties in a huge bunch reading this (I only mean one person - and they know who they are I'm just trying to be discreet here) so for that person I can only say the following:   You sent me the picture above knowing that I would laugh -and I did - but now you're going to be upset that I'm talking about sex and masturbation well guess what?  I like sex and I masturbate - often.  You don't have to like that I'm open about it but it is part of me - what makes me Wendy.   I am loud, I'm obnoxious, I'm highly inappropriate, slightly x-rated but I'm also sweet, funny, loving and kind and the best friend you ever had and you know what?   I'm a package fucking deal and if you don't accept every little imperfect, beautiful piece of me then that's your loss I'm good with me and I'm gonna keep being who I am.

Okay, so now back to feminism and porn - I pondered this on my drive into work today, I had a lot of time since it took close to two hours to get to work this morning.  You're probably wondering how I can be a feminist and love porn - easy, I'm not a feminist.  I guess that some would argue that as a woman living in Canada where women have it relatively good as opposed to other countries that you could say I don't believe in feminism because I haven't really faced any of the issues that women in other countries have and maybe that could be partly the reason.  I think really though when I first heard the term in high school the definition went something like this.....


Feminism is a collection of movements aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights and equal opportunities for women.

See, it's the use of the word EQUAL that I have a problem with, you say equal rights and opportunities and then there is this exclusivity that it is only for women....well I look around me every day and I see men who don't have rights and opportunities equal to others just as much as I see women in the same situation. 

So I'm not going to call myself a feminist - I want equal rights and opportunities for every man, woman, child, transgendered person, gay person....whatever flag you fly I want you to have all the opportunities and rights that everyone else does.  I want people to have choices and the opportunity to live their lives in whatever they see fit - as long as they aren't trying to harm others in the process.  I want every person to have that feeling that who and what they are is beautiful and a blessing.   I want people to have a chance like I have to experience a life so full of adventure and pure awesomeness that they are blown away every day. 
 

When it comes to pornography I know that feminists can go either way on the issue from it being degrading or a form of violence against women to certain kinds of pornography being empowering.  For me it's not that black and white - like most things in life.   Are all pornographers exploiting women?  Some are, sure, but ALL of them?  I don't think so.  Are all people in porn addicts who have low self-esteem and that's why they choose this profession?  How the fuck do I know?  Maybe some people who are in the adult entertainment industry do it because they just get off on fucking in front of a camera and getting paid shit loads of cash for it.  The whole thing is that when someone gets on their soap box and condemns everything with a sweeping wave of their hand I think they're missing the point.  I guess for me I just don't want to become so rigid in my thinking and in my being that I can't look and see every side of an issue and be logical about it.  My Dad is rigid, about everything.  To the point that if you don't believe what he believes then you are stupid or wrong.  Ewwwwww.......I just had a post that started out talking about porn and then my Dad, I'm totally creeped out now.

Anyway, back to my post.

So for most parts I dig porn, it helps me get off - well not foreign language ones - mostly because I get so wrapped up in trying to figure out what the hell they're saying that it kinda ruins the mood for me.  Which I realize the ridiculousness of given that porn is not known for it's plot lines or character development but I find myself  wondering what the woman in the broken elevator said to the stranger next to her that made him take her in his arms and ravish her standing up against the elevator door - I mean porn is a teaching tool for me what if I was ever trapped in an elevator with a hot stranger?  Am I supposed to just wing it when I try to seduce him?  I think not!

Perspective

It hurts today to raise my arms... a lot.  Yesterday at the gym I was lifting a 25 pound weight over my head and it was crazy heavy!  Even after just a few reps my arms were shaking from exertion and I didn't think I could go on.  Now here's where the perspective thing came in - as of this morning I have lost 56 pounds.  How in the fresh hell did I carry that shit around?   I climbed stairs with an extra 56 pounds, I walked with an extra 56 pounds....and here I am today struggling with 25 pounds.  No wonder I was such a couch potato before it was just a struggle to lift all 272 (285 at my biggest size) pounds of me up off the damned couch!   I don't want to encourage him in any way but apparently Barry says that there is a weighted vest I can wear while working out, no thank you I already had that experience I think I'll pass.

Christmas is my really busy time at work, I book close to 1500 people to help at the Mission with all the banquets, toy markets and food markets that we run throughout the month of December and it is REALLY stressful.  I have managed to make most of my people contact me online and send a flurry of emails daily, sometimes they are individuals, families of groups I have dealt with before and have some connection with but there are also those who this is their first contact with me.  Well it's been 3 weeks of madness of me running at 1000% capacity - nearly all of the spots have been filled and I'm feeling exhausted.  Yesterday I had a voicemail from a gentleman who said that he was calling from a Senior's residence and that he'd really like to volunteer for our Christmas brunch.  Good luck buddy, that is our most coveted role and it booked within HOURS of me posting it.  Well he didn't have an email address so I couldn't send him the standard response I had created so I called him back.   With much impatience.  With much general pissiness, I called him back.  He was 70 years old and he was going to be alone for Christmas and thought he might like to come help out in any way.  As gently (yeah, I'm not a total bitch) as I could I told him that we had such a wonderful response and that we were indeed OVER booked for this opportunity but was there another day he might like to come spread Christmas cheer as we spread out the love throughout the month of December.  He told me that he was having cataract surgery in a week and he had to have a CAT scan and that he wasn't sure if he'd be well enough to come before the 23rd.  Well we talked for 15 minutes about his surgery and the fact that my Dad had it when he was younger and he was totally recovered (I didn't think I had to mention my Dad is fucked in other ways) and that he was going to be so happy with clearer vision.  I didn't book him for any volunteer opportunity, but I told him to please call me back and let me know how his surgery went.  We laughed and talked like old friends and at the end I wished him well and told him truthfully how much I had enjoyed our conversation.  He told me that I was a beautiful person and how much he appreciated that I took time to speak to him.   Ahhhhh...there's the perspective.  This rushing around, meeting deadlines, being so damned stressed that my brain hurts that's not what I worked so hard to have this new life for, that's not who I am.  I'm Wendy and I like talking to people - no, I LOVE talking to people.  I love to connect with someone and tease and laugh and find out every little piece of them until they've found a place in my heart to burrow into and me in theirs.  So this is my pledge for today, I'm going to talk to strangers (I'm going to politely decline the candy and the ride in their car though), I'm going to make time for my friends, I'm going to hug my sweet little cat in my arms (even though she's going to bite me) and I'm going to keep getting to know my Mom....and it's not too late. :)

PS - I bought this dress right after my surgery, it didn't fit and this morning I put it on and it is perfection. :)

I'm gonna be my own hero.

I'm having a little bit of difficulty lately with praise.  Not because it's not amazing to hear, don't get me wrong that does kick a whole lot of ass.  I think my difficulty is that people are saying things like you inspire me, you are my hero... you are pure awesomeness (okay, I may have made that one up, but it was implied!).  The problem was that before I looked up to other people all the time, put them on pedestals and held them in such esteem that it overshadowed and minimized me. 

I went to a psychic once and he specialized in past life regression (mock me if you will, it was one of the most coolest experiences I have ever had).  During the session I had this image in my mind, it was so clear - it was of Steve (my husband) and I in what looked like a dungeon.. it was dark and the brick walls seemed never ending.  In the vision Steve was sitting in the middle of the room his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his knees, his head bowed.  And I was standing behind him...and I was beautiful, radiant....I was thin and healthy and for some reason didn't need glasses.  And I was shining.  Literally, like an angel, a soft white glow all around me.  What I took from that vision at the time was that it didn't matter how much I shined he didn't want to see it - that he refused to see me.  Now I think back to that vision and I realized that I had all of my focus on him.  I was so sad because he didn't see me....but what really mattered here is that I didn't see me!  And I also wasn't trying to get the fuck out of that dank, dark place.  Well I'm out of that dark place now...and I shine and I glow and I see it every time I look in the mirror. :)  And today, I realize Steve isn't the problem, it was me who was the problem he was just a real convenient excuse.

So back to the hero thing.  I don't want to look to anyone else for inspiration - I don't want to feel less than someone or think or believe on any level that I am not capable of achieving anything I want to accomplish.

When I started personal training with Barry McDonald 4 1/2 weeks ago I walked into the gym with such fear in my heart.  Terror really.  I thought I can't do any of this, I am so fat and out of shape...I'm a loser and I'm going to fail.  Well to be fair that first day WALKING up those fucking stairs killed me, I couldn't catch my breath, I'm sure I looked lobster-like with my red face.   The old me would have never signed up for 10 sessions - hell the old me would have thought about joining a gym while eating a bag of potato chips and then talking myself out of it.  But there was just a part of me that needed this so badly....and yeah, I was embarrassed...and I looked ridiculous I'm sure but when your muscle-bound personal trainer has boy bands playing while you struggle along like an idiot it helps.   I think the first week when I did abs I got the most effect from laughing at him being ridiculous.   Even though I curse him daily and on some level enjoy punching him I am so grateful to have him as my trainer and if you want to really give a gift to yourself dial him up - he's worth every penny.   Today, I started jogging when I got in as a warm-up - I did it for 10 minutes straight and I loved it.   Yeah, I still probably don't look like a super model doing it, but my body radiates heat when I'm done and I feel so alive.

So today, no pedestals, not for anyone else, not for me either - they are a big hard fall and do a disservice to everyone.  I have people in my life who I admire, who I am blown away by daily, but you know what?   I blow myself away more. :)  

So I don't need to be your hero, I love your compliments but what I'd love more is for you to be my cheerleader and let me be yours.

Hipster douchebag

Well, it's official, I may just be a hipster douche bag now by starting this blog, but I'm okay with that.  I don't really know how to do this so I guess I'll do what I always do in cases of cluelessness - make shit up as I go along.  A good friend told me that 2012 is going to be a good year for me and while I totally hope that is true I can't imagine how it could top 2011.  I had weight loss surgery on June 28, 2011 and have went from 285 at my heaviest to this morning 216.2 (yes, the .2 matters!!!).  I feel like I have missed out on so much of life being too heavy or embarrassed to fully participate in life and that is why I chose the title of this blog, it's from a quote I love that is hanging on my wall at work - that and all the other titles I chose were already taken!

If I had only....

Forgotten future greatness

and looked at the green things

and the buildings

and reached out to those around me

and smelled the air

and ignored the forms and the

self-styled obligations

and heard the rain on the roof 

and put my arms around my partner...

....and it's not too late.

I guess you could say that this blog is about weight loss, but for me that is just the smallest littlest part of it all, for me this blog is about my life.  My new life, with all its wonderful new discoveries, adventures and possibilities - and just a warning there will be adult situations, offensive language and brief nudity. :)