Seated at the Table of Horrors

In some ways I wish that I had learned this earlier in my career but I was too young, too naïve and unschooled in the ways of the world to know that there had to be self-love, self-care and that the compassion I felt for others needed to be directed to myself first. I sat at the table of horrors, mine and theirs but mine was always pushed aside, theirs was always the most important. I didn’t get then that loving myself and honoring myself and reserving some of my energy for myself would have made me a better worker, a more rounded person. I also didn’t understand energy then and how much of other people’s I carried with me because I was just so open and ready to receive any energy that I came in contact with. It was hard for me not to give 100% because I felt so honored, so humbled that I had been trusted with someone’s story, they shared with me the parts of themselves that they thought were ugly and shameful that I wanted to be worthy of that honor. I don’t regret those times for they will always hold a special place in my heart – but I did feel crushed by the horrors, at the end. I sat with clients 100% open, 100% giving and tuned in, they were magical times in a way because questions would come to me to ask that didn’t make sense but I trusted that feeling and I asked. One very vivid memory I have was of one particular client who was quite possibly one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen, not just physically – although he was stunning that way too – but
he carried with him a light, a most beautiful shade of violet and it was the colour of everything sweet, pure and good in the world. I saw this light before he even opened his mouth and this beautiful being was well-dressed, obviously well-educated, soft-spoken and lovely. I heard his story, every word, but as I was explaining our services something made me ask in my most gentlest voice, “do you need food?” He dropped his head to his chin and whispered, “Yes.” And in that moment I wanted to just scoop him up, give him the biggest bear hug and tell him what I saw when I looked at him, that he was a gift. But I didn’t share that with him, I couldn’t because I couldn’t have explained it to even

myself then, nor could I explain the vision I had of what a beautiful life he had ahead of him but what I hope I did was treat him with kindness and dignity, and maybe that’s all that I needed to do. Maybe it was enough. I only hope that my pure heart and good intentions were enough for my clients, that I helped in some way because that's all I ever wanted. I have learned as I’ve grown and matured (yeah, I know, I’m as shocked as anyone that I’ve matured in any way) how to use my gift of “sight,” and when I’m well physically, mentally and emotionally I use that gift for its highest purpose of walking alongside someone in their journey and I am able to be fully and completely present while still maintaining the purity of my own soul. But when I’m not well, when I am depleted on a spiritual, psychic, physical, emotional – soul level then I can’t control my “gift”, I can’t put my shields up to minimize the impact of the horrors. I know that at some point I will return to social work and I often question myself as to whether the timing is right, but when I am authentic to myself I know that I’m not ready. I know I will sit at the table of horrors again and I’ll be ready when the time is right but until then I’m going to give that love and compassion I have inside me to my family, my friends….and most importantly, to myself.

Yellow

It's 2:30 am and I am walking the streets of Inuvik, my destination is clear, it was from the moment I woke up a few minutes earlier and peered out my window and caught a glimpse of the green light dancing just above my roof line.  Ski pants over my pyjama bottoms, a thick woolly sweater and the hat Steve gave me on my head, the flaps covering my ears - they get coldest first - and my camera strapped around my neck.  

It's funny, I had no hesitation walking outside in the middle of the night, because the night has always been my friend.  When I was growing up I'd walk home from art class in the pitch dark, there are no street lights in the country, and I would memorize every star.  It was probably the only time I felt completely safe and completely me.  There was no judgement in the night, just stars gazing fondly down upon me.  It was peace.  And that's why moving here wasn't so strange for me, because those same stars are here - the ones that bore witness to my tears of frustration and listened to my hurt, anger and sadness of my younger years, things I never shared with anyone else.  There were wild animals galore, I could hear wolves howling and had seen bears in the area, but I never feared them.  Just like here, I'm sure there are animals but I don't fear them - people, yes, animals not so much.   

I digress, but it's 3 am, cut me a break.  

The moment I stepped out of my door and walked down the steps the full glory of the northern lights showed themselves to me.  That little brush of green I could see from my window extended and arched over the house across the street and danced and crackled in a broad strip to south over the hospital.  There have been many surprises for me here in the north that have challenged what I thought life in the north would be and this is one of them.  The northern lights move.  They dance and shift across the sky and while I've mostly seen the  green colour but tonight I saw red dancing in amongst the green. I say dance, because that's the only word I can think of to describe what I see....and the energy that I feel when I see them.  And there is a sound they make, that again I have no words to describe but it's there.

I walked to the end of my street and that's when I saw the red in the lights, it was so vivid and it shifted and danced in the green, and how I wished I had a tripod or the ability to capture what I saw.  I felt such frustration that I couldn't capture it on film to show you all - because that's what I wanted, to share with you all this beauty - this magic. It's been a gift to share with people this journey, to share myself after so many years of hiding away but I realized that tonight, it was for me.    These stars, they shone for me, the northern lights, they danced and sang for me.  I am a blessed, beloved child of the Universe and I deserved this moment and this beauty.

I turned left and followed the road to the service road, alongside the utilidor where there were no street lights.  I climbed that hill, my feet crunching in the snow and didn't stop until I was in complete darkness, and I sat down in the snow and I watched the lights and looked at the stars.  

There is a legend that the aurora borealis are spirits and ancestors who come to visit and sitting there I think that is very true because I felt very close to my grandparents there.  

It was a very spiritual moment for me, I don't pray, I'm not religious but I thanked the Universe for bringing me here, for giving me this life, this glorious display and tonight, when I talked to the stars it was only of love, healing and light.  And this song, it keeps playing in my head, and I smile, because I know it's true.

Look at the stars, 

look how they shine for you, 

and everything that you do.

- Coldplay