Seated at the Table of Horrors

In some ways I wish that I had learned this earlier in my career but I was too young, too naïve and unschooled in the ways of the world to know that there had to be self-love, self-care and that the compassion I felt for others needed to be directed to myself first. I sat at the table of horrors, mine and theirs but mine was always pushed aside, theirs was always the most important. I didn’t get then that loving myself and honoring myself and reserving some of my energy for myself would have made me a better worker, a more rounded person. I also didn’t understand energy then and how much of other people’s I carried with me because I was just so open and ready to receive any energy that I came in contact with. It was hard for me not to give 100% because I felt so honored, so humbled that I had been trusted with someone’s story, they shared with me the parts of themselves that they thought were ugly and shameful that I wanted to be worthy of that honor. I don’t regret those times for they will always hold a special place in my heart – but I did feel crushed by the horrors, at the end. I sat with clients 100% open, 100% giving and tuned in, they were magical times in a way because questions would come to me to ask that didn’t make sense but I trusted that feeling and I asked. One very vivid memory I have was of one particular client who was quite possibly one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen, not just physically – although he was stunning that way too – but
he carried with him a light, a most beautiful shade of violet and it was the colour of everything sweet, pure and good in the world. I saw this light before he even opened his mouth and this beautiful being was well-dressed, obviously well-educated, soft-spoken and lovely. I heard his story, every word, but as I was explaining our services something made me ask in my most gentlest voice, “do you need food?” He dropped his head to his chin and whispered, “Yes.” And in that moment I wanted to just scoop him up, give him the biggest bear hug and tell him what I saw when I looked at him, that he was a gift. But I didn’t share that with him, I couldn’t because I couldn’t have explained it to even

myself then, nor could I explain the vision I had of what a beautiful life he had ahead of him but what I hope I did was treat him with kindness and dignity, and maybe that’s all that I needed to do. Maybe it was enough. I only hope that my pure heart and good intentions were enough for my clients, that I helped in some way because that's all I ever wanted. I have learned as I’ve grown and matured (yeah, I know, I’m as shocked as anyone that I’ve matured in any way) how to use my gift of “sight,” and when I’m well physically, mentally and emotionally I use that gift for its highest purpose of walking alongside someone in their journey and I am able to be fully and completely present while still maintaining the purity of my own soul. But when I’m not well, when I am depleted on a spiritual, psychic, physical, emotional – soul level then I can’t control my “gift”, I can’t put my shields up to minimize the impact of the horrors. I know that at some point I will return to social work and I often question myself as to whether the timing is right, but when I am authentic to myself I know that I’m not ready. I know I will sit at the table of horrors again and I’ll be ready when the time is right but until then I’m going to give that love and compassion I have inside me to my family, my friends….and most importantly, to myself.