I'm having a little bit of difficulty lately with praise. Not because it's not amazing to hear, don't get me wrong that does kick a whole lot of ass. I think my difficulty is that people are saying things like you inspire me, you are my hero... you are pure awesomeness (okay, I may have made that one up, but it was implied!). The problem was that before I looked up to other people all the time, put them on pedestals and held them in such esteem that it overshadowed and minimized me.
I went to a psychic once and he specialized in past life regression (mock me if you will, it was one of the most coolest experiences I have ever had). During the session I had this image in my mind, it was so clear - it was of Steve (my husband) and I in what looked like a dungeon.. it was dark and the brick walls seemed never ending. In the vision Steve was sitting in the middle of the room his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his knees, his head bowed. And I was standing behind him...and I was beautiful, radiant....I was thin and healthy and for some reason didn't need glasses. And I was shining. Literally, like an angel, a soft white glow all around me. What I took from that vision at the time was that it didn't matter how much I shined he didn't want to see it - that he refused to see me. Now I think back to that vision and I realized that I had all of my focus on him. I was so sad because he didn't see me....but what really mattered here is that I didn't see me! And I also wasn't trying to get the fuck out of that dank, dark place. Well I'm out of that dark place now...and I shine and I glow and I see it every time I look in the mirror. :) And today, I realize Steve isn't the problem, it was me who was the problem he was just a real convenient excuse.
So back to the hero thing. I don't want to look to anyone else for inspiration - I don't want to feel less than someone or think or believe on any level that I am not capable of achieving anything I want to accomplish.
When I started personal training with Barry McDonald 4 1/2 weeks ago I walked into the gym with such fear in my heart. Terror really. I thought I can't do any of this, I am so fat and out of shape...I'm a loser and I'm going to fail. Well to be fair that first day WALKING up those fucking stairs killed me, I couldn't catch my breath, I'm sure I looked lobster-like with my red face. The old me would have never signed up for 10 sessions - hell the old me would have thought about joining a gym while eating a bag of potato chips and then talking myself out of it. But there was just a part of me that needed this so badly....and yeah, I was embarrassed...and I looked ridiculous I'm sure but when your muscle-bound personal trainer has boy bands playing while you struggle along like an idiot it helps. I think the first week when I did abs I got the most effect from laughing at him being ridiculous. Even though I curse him daily and on some level enjoy punching him I am so grateful to have him as my trainer and if you want to really give a gift to yourself dial him up - he's worth every penny. Today, I started jogging when I got in as a warm-up - I did it for 10 minutes straight and I loved it. Yeah, I still probably don't look like a super model doing it, but my body radiates heat when I'm done and I feel so alive.
So today, no pedestals, not for anyone else, not for me either - they are a big hard fall and do a disservice to everyone. I have people in my life who I admire, who I am blown away by daily, but you know what? I blow myself away more. :)
So I don't need to be your hero, I love your compliments but what I'd love more is for you to be my cheerleader and let me be yours.
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