I hear this often when people find out what I do for a living. They are often surprised that I actual choose to work with the dying and those living with a life threatening illness - and that I have chosen this as my career, my passion for close to twenty years. And I totally understand that it's overwhelming for some people to deal with that potential level of emotional response. But. There are people in your community, your family, your workplace, your circle of friends who are living with a life threatening illness. And these are not only the elderly, these are people your age, with kids, bills and everything we all have, but they also have a disease which can be scary beyond words.
So you don't know what to say? Well how about;
"Hi.""Man, those Leafs suck!""How are you?""I'm talking Fido to the dog-park, would it be okay if I took yours along too?""Thought I'd give you a call to see how you're doing.""Hey, I'm going to the store, can I get anything for you?""I made a pie, thought you'd like a piece." (Pie always works for me)"Can I pick the kids up after school for you?""Do you need anything?""I'm here if you ever want to talk, have a cup of tea, trash talk our ex's, have a glass of wine."
Whatever you would say if they were well!!!! If you feel like shit (which some people who dying are - and some don't) and your world's falling apart and you are suffering loss after loss (physical abilities, roles in the family, etc.) you really don't want someone to now treat you with kid gloves like you've lost a few IQ points or capabilities. Kinda condescending and douche-y really - don't do that shit. So speak like you would normally speak. If they're in a hospital bed, grab a chair and SIT yer butt down, now one likes being hovered over. Safe, consensual touch is often welcomed - IF you had that relationship with them before! Like if you were buddies who shared beers and ribald conversations over the backyard fence then grabbing their hand and stroking it would probably be awkward. ASK permission. Don't assume shit. Especially with the elderly, oftentimes when I'm with a client they'll grab my hand and hold onto it, but if I feel I'd like to take their hand or greet them in that way I ask....and so far no one has said no, most gratefully say yes. If you are afraid of hurting them due to the complications of their illness then express it; "Man, I'd love to give you a hug, think that'd be okay? I don't want to hurt you." Don't go in with a script - you're not a robot. Ask open ended questions. If you ask questions that are going to illicit one-word answers it's going to be painful.
"How are you feeling today?"as opposed to;"You feeling good today?"
Don't assume that the person wants to talk about their illness. Let them lead the conversation. Maybe they want to talk about their dog, the sucky Leafs, how much this never-ending winter has sucked balls.... who knows? Just be open. But be prepared mentally if they do want to talk about it. If they want to tell you how they're in physical pain. If the chemotherapy has made them lose their eyebrows and their hair is falling out. If they are scared of dying alone. If their family is driving them nuts. That they are so damned angry at God, life, the disease, the dirty floor that they can no longer clean themselves. You are there to hold their story. Not fix them, cure them or make them better.... just to be a listening ear, a friend. And for the love of God, please, please, please do not make a shitty comment like "I know how you feel" because you don't. You're not them. Try instead; "That really sucks, I am so sorry you are going through this." IF that is your language, your vernacular and it's appropriate. If you're nervous, tell the person. Risk being vulnerable, because they already are.
Laugh! Laughter is important, when appropriate, like don't burst out laughing when they tell you they're having a horrible side effect from one of their treatments - but there is a time and a place for humor.
Oftentimes when a person is dying their world becomes really small, maybe because of their diagnosis they are confined to a hospital bed in the family's living room or in a nursing home, long-term care facility or hospital. YOU can help widen their world. Bring the local paper, some home baking, pictures of your grandkids, kids, etc. Tell them about your day - so many times when I meet a client for the first time I end up fielding questions about my own life, which I do when appropriate. If the person you are visiting is elderly ask them about their life! The seniors I have had the pleasure of meeting have led rich, interesting lives - establish a rapport with them, ask about their life, some people who are dying like to reflect on their life - both good times and bad.
The next piece is space. Know that some people are not going to want you hanging around 24/7, can maybe only handle short visits. Also, some of you folks show your love by "doing" and having tasks like watering plants, etc. to show your love. Some people don't want that. They don't want your charity, they want your time and your attention. Respect that.
When someone is dying it is not just them who are suffering, their spouse, children and caregivers are also hurting and stressing and burning out. Check in with the partner of the person who is dying, give them space to talk and share. Ask if there is anything that you can do to help....and when their loved one dies continue that loving care in the months that follow the death.
But we are all human, we are all different, there are no hard, fast rules to this - just this. Respect for the person and where they are at and however they are choosing to deal with this illness. The inherent dignity and life that they have to the very last breath. And most importantly, intention. If you do this with a pure heart and a kind, caring spirit then nothing you do is wrong.
So now you have the tools, you are armed, no more excuses. Go forth my lovelies, spread the love and light.
