Happy Birthday to Me

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

In one hour, 1 minute and 39 seconds I will no longer be in my 30's.  It's quite a milestone, one that I admit I had some trepidation about meeting.  I don't know really what I thought turning 40 would do, what would change or where the fear came from.  Maybe it was the thought that I hadn't reached all the goals I thought I should have reached by now, become who I thought I should be.  I can't help but smile at how foolish I was with the expectations I had set for myself, the goals I had.  There is also a part of me that was happy to leave behind my 30's, the disasters, the pain... but then I thought that no, I don't want to leave it behind either.  I don't want to forget.  I can hold in my heart both pain and joy... there is room for both and one does not diminish the other.  I honor both of them.  I honor the Wendy that was 30, I like her. No, wait, I love her.  She was someone special and beautiful and I know that by the people who showered her with love this weekend.  No one that is horrible could have friends that are as amazing as those people who have blessed my life so I guess somewhere along the line I must have done something really right.

I danced this weekend.  Me.  I shimmied, I shaked, I jiggled and again I felt such joy, such freedom in my body.  And typing this I am crying, not because I am sad, but because I am so damned happy that for once in my life I got to fully be me.  No fear.  No shame.  No hiding.  I wore a little black dress on Sunday with the brightest, prettiest pink coat (Yes, pink!) and I rocked spanxed and no, I didn't look perfect, my body isn't even close to perfect but I felt beautiful.  Like a princess... and that smile on my face it was real.  I felt joy.  To my bones joy.  And gratitude.  So 40, bring it on.  I can't wait to meet Wendy at 40.  So here I sit, huddled in my blanket a smile on my face no one can wipe off because I can't wait to see 40... what adventure comes next.  So again, I hold my hand out to you, my friends... come join me in the adventure, the best is yet to come.  :)