Some people use public transit as a means to get to work, but for me it has become so much more, a time to reflect, relax, annoy other commuters and to just stop the busy-ness and focus all on me. This morning I had a moment when I was sitting in the bus shelter, texting friends and making plans, Facebooking others and checking in, responding to inappropriate posts people had put on my wall (I really appreciate this part) and I realized how very much I am loved. I am surrounded by it, by love, kindness and caring of friends and family, I'm encircled by it - when I am in a dark place all I have to do is reach out my hand and a million hands reach back, pulling me out of that place. Even when I let the darkness take over and I am so overwhelmed that I can't reach out they come to me in the darkness and sit with me in my pain, hold me and love me.
There are a lot of goals I have made for myself out of this whole experience with weight loss, recent ones; weight loss, health, travel... but the biggest one, the one that has been in my heart for ever is to not be lonely. I wanted to not be that fat little girl who spent every recess sitting against the cold brick wall of the school watching others on the playground laughing and playing and feeling so utterly alone and beyond sad. But like all other goals that I thought would be achieved by wishing and hoping for a miracle this too required work - hard work. With weight loss it has been moving my bum, eating well, being accountable to myself. Travel meant taking responsibility for my finances and saving. Health - being my own advocate and kicking and fighting until I am heard - well, I'm working on this one. But to not be lonely...well that has been work too, work on myself. The biggest part of my loneliness was that I didn't even love myself, didn't believe that I deserved to be loved and cared for. That has been hard, sifting through the past discovering truths and dispelling lies.... looking in the mirror and loving the woman behind those eyes. It has meant exposing my hurt, myself, my core to the world on Facebook and on my blog and being vulnerable, open to rejection, ridicule. And more importantly it has meant being a friend - inviting people into my life. And this is a work in progress. But today this writing by Rumi says it all.
Love came,
and became like blood in my body.
It rushed through my veins and
encircled my heart.
Everywhere I looked,
I saw one thing.
Love's name written
on my limbs,
on my left palm,
on my forehead,
on the back of my neck,
on my right big toe…
Oh, my friend,
all that you see of me
is just a shell,
and the rest belongs to love.
- Rumi
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