Cancer is an Asshole.

My Ren & Stimpy shirt always makes me feel better.

XXXX
hey
does cancer hurt
like right now?

Wendy Gray
the cancer part doesn't.  it's the cysts on my ovaries that are rupturing that hurt

XXXX
are you scared

Wendy Gray
yeah

It's weird, I knew I had the appointment on March 4th to get the test results for the biopsy but for some reason the week before I experienced this rush of energy, it was like a switch got flipped in my head and I felt such hope and drive, something that has been missing for awhile.  There was no reason, just a bubbling of joy inside me that couldn't be contained. My intuition, it's usually bang on and I know when bad - or good things - are coming, but I was way off on this one.  I had a lot of people offer to go to the appointment with me, but I turned them all down, part of it was because I didn't want to put anyone out...but that wasn't the whole reason.  The big reason was that I felt like I had to do this on my own.  I have held onto this guilt and shame, that part of me that believes I deserves cancer and the pain the comes with it, I've believed that this is all mine to bear - I damaged my body by letting myself be so fat and unhealthy and felt so dirty and ashamed of the things I have done when I was hurting so bad. I thought I let that go, came to peace about it all, but cancer came to call and all of this insecurities and blame and shame just came to rest in my heart.  And I hate cancer for that....I hate that it stole that gentleness I had found for myself, the love and confidence I worked so hard to find.  I got really overwhelmed and I reverted back to my old ways of just pushing things down and pretending that I wasn't scared or hurting - and beat the shit out myself verbally and mentally.  It was a brutal beating, one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  And I masked it, I masked that fear with anger...blinding hot anger at cancer, the situation, myself.  Then on Wednesday night I lost it.  I was putting my hair in a ponytail, getting ready for bed and I caught sight of myself in the mirror - and that girl I saw looking back looked about 8 and so scared and lost and I broke.  I cried myself to sleep that night...and the next.  I didn't get much sleep in the next few days, but I found something in that time - peace with myself.  I have told myself that I have to be strong...but I don't want to be strong anymore, I want to be real....and the reality is that this shame and this blame isn't mine anymore and I'm done punishing myself with it.  I really saw myself in that mirror - something I haven't seen a long time and I realize I've been hiding, I haven't been real and those things that I have tried to keep hidden, those imperfections - they have gained too much power - robbed me of joy.  So here they are, the scars - the imperfections...and they can hold no power over me anymore.  

This scar on my hand, the white line that follows just below my thumb it's from carrying beer bottles around when I was 3 and dropping them on my hand.

When I was 7 I was riding my bike down the hill near my house, I hit a pothole in the dirt road and flew over my handlebars, landing on my hand - I walked home crying, blood running down my face - there's still a dent there, but it has faded - I think only I can see it.

...
This is the scar I woke up to on my belly when they were only supposed to take a cyst but ended up taking the ovary...and my hope.  For years I tried float away from my body and make myself believe that this body wasn't mine.  Today I trace the scar with my finger, it feels kind of neat...it's not ugly, just another battle wound, proof that I survived.

In 2011 I had weight loss surgery - 5 little cuts where they opened me up and re-arranged my guts...and gave me back my life.  They look like little bullet wounds intertwined with the stretch marks.  I never wanted these scars to heal, I wanted them to stay red and angry so I would never forget the price I paid, the pain.  But I don't need that reminder, I will never forget.

When I was big I would never wear my hair in a ponytail, my neck it was so fat it looked like I had a hump and there was an angry line where the base of my neck met the hump.  I cried the first time I wore a ponytail and there was no hump....I still do some days.

So here I am, imperfections and all.  Nothing hidden.  This is just me.  And I'm still scared but I'm scared and I'm free.  Whatever happens next I am making a promise to myself: cancer isn't going to take anything from me, shame and guilt, there is no place for it anymore.  Oh there are going to be weak moments, but nothing is going to take my joy, my bliss, the fire in my belly or the beauty in my life.   I will reach out to those people who love me and allow myself to be cherished and loved.  I will take risks with my heart.  I will find someone that deserves my love and trust and for that person I will hold out my bruised and beautiful heart and it will be good.  I'm suiting up kids, full-on super hero mode - my own hero.

XXXX

Hey bud, I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better.

Wendy Gray

Thank you XXXX, it's been a rough year but I'm not giving up.

XXXX

I like to think of these little jolts of super power as vines and we just swing from vine to vine. It's pretty fun sometimes, right?

Wendy Gray

That is pretty much the best analogy I've ever heard to describe it.... ya when I'm in my super hero/power mood I have so much fun. Inappropriate fun, sure but better than being a miserable bastard.

XXXX

Let's build more vines.

Not Princess - Queen!

"To be a princess is to play at life.  To be a queen is to be a serious player....The purpose of life as a woman is to ascend to the throne and rule with heart."

- Marianne Williamson