My pen is a razor and I have been bleeding...Anthony Beal

We accept the love we think we deserve. --Stephen Chbosky

I've given this quite a bit of thought, and I'd say in excavating my past relationships that this has been the problem all along.  I thought I had done a lot of work around this in the past year and a half, made changes in how I felt about myself and what I deserved but there is still a hesitancy, not believing that I deserve good.  Even after agonizing and working up the courage to work towards things I want, I run away the minute there is a bump in the road - I interpret those bumps as an indication that I'm not enough, that no one would ever want me and that I am flawed beyond redemption.  

This has been what my mind has struggled with since weight loss surgery, I thought what I was fighting against was the half life of not being able to physically be a part of the world - well now I am and that hasn't fixed the core of the issue.  I have been so busy fighting fat, fighting cancer...fighting with myself - half in love, half in hate with myself and I realize that's the problem.  I'm fighting all the time but the fat - it's part of me.  The cancer - it's part of me too.  I'm not usually a stupid person but man I have been dumb as shit, I stopped losing weight right around the time I abandoned the promise I made to myself that I mattered and I would do everything to take care of myself and work towards health and happiness.  

I don't know why I thought my inability to salvage a marriage that was sick on so many levels was all my responsibility - but I thought it was, I thought I should have been able to fix it, fix him, fix me.  And it would have been our 11th wedding anniversary on April 6th and I miss him, not the bad times and the fighting and the anger, but I miss him.  He was the first man who ever loved me when I was massive and felt so ugly inside and out.  And now that so much has happened health-wise a lot of the bullshit has just been cleared and I realize I love him, he was the first man I ever loved and in my heart I will always love him.   

I have avoided writing about him, I told myself it was because I didn't want to bad mouth him, and that's true... but not the whole truth.  I think the real reason I haven't written about him is because it hurts so fucking much.  He was my best friend - and good or bad (and yes, there was a lot of bad) - and sometimes I still want to pick up the phone and tell him about my day.  I wanted it to be a good goodbye with him, in our marriage we had tons of time for blame and I didn't want our divorce to be about that.  I realize now that I have done myself a disservice by not writing about him, he is part of me - I carry him with me and to not honor that and work through the pain has only added to the weight on my shoulders - and today I let that go, it's not mine to carry anymore.  I don't need to to bad mouth him, I don't need to excavate the past and lay it out for the world to see.  I've found peace with him and I can honestly say that I will always be happy that he was in my life and at his heart he is a good man, his intentions are so pure but like me he just didn't have the skills to make a relationship work: communication, self-worth...I could go on but there is no point.  All that matters is that I wish the best for him, love for himself, romance, happiness and health and I know he wishes that for me too.  So today I raise a glass to "Steve & Wendy" and I will be sad, just a little but the devastation, the guilt and blame, it's gone.  

One day there will be romance in my life, I know now I will not always be alone.  I still come with flaws and scars, but they are beautiful and so am I and for the person who is worthy of my love and trust well we will build a life on mutual respect and support.  

This song, it means a lot to me...and I dedicate to Steve & I to the love we shared and the love that is still to come in both our lives.