The Storm

The wind howled, the rain beat mercilessly against the ground, I burrow deeper into my coat but the force of the rain batters against my face, the rain so cold that it penetrates through the layers of clothes and skin to settle deep into my bones. There is no reprieve from the elements, standing alone in that bleak, open field.  Branches from the trees that dotted the fence line come crashing down.  The thunder booms, echoing in the vast emptiness sending vibrations deep in my chest like when the guy next door cranks the bass on his car stereo and blasts shitty 80's metal.  The flash of lightening illuminates the terrain, casting shadows and heightening the impending sense of doom and danger.  The air was alive with electricity...the force of mother nature produced an unequal carnage.  I struggle to maintain my footing, the ground underneath me made unstable as the rain slowly turns the once hard earth into mud.  The world feels off-kilter, dizzying blows come from every side and while I am scared, terrified really, the tears remain stuck in my throat, a dull ache in my chest as I focus all my efforts on remaining upright as my body is pummeled by the unseen forces.  All my senses are heightened and dulled at the same time and I find it hard to make sense of what my eyes see I'm so

overwhelmed by the assault to my senses so I shut down a little, experience tunnel vision focused on one thing: staying alive.  And after what seems like hours the winds start to die down, there is an eerie calm, an uneasy silence.  I breathe, my lungs gratefully gulping in the air and I start to gain my footing, the world finally righting itself and I gain my equilibrium. I feel a reprieve, a calmness settling assuming that the worst is over but it is only the eye of the storm and just as I lose that sick feeling in my stomach it comes back, stronger, harder....the winds don't scream, they howl...the rain is like someone is standing over me with a bottomless bucket and I'm drowning....it steals my breath and the scream that tried to escape.  The water accumulates quickly under my feet, seeming within seconds to rise to my ankle, then to my knees....swirling angrily around my thighs...dragging me down, pulling me to my knees.  I struggle, trying to pull myself upright but now there are waves and they are crashing over my head again and again.  I lose track of time, what could have been minutes or hours or years pass by as I struggle to keep my head above water, to gasp for air and fill my screaming lungs when

finally the winds subside....the rain gentles and I tread water.  And miraculously the water it starts to calm...and lower, until I find I can stand....shivering, my clothes plastered to my aching body.  Slowly the water ebbs away, the clouds start to clear and with it all of my energy....I fall to the ground unable to get up, my brain and body bruised beyond reason and still that edge of fear that this is not over, it can't be over ...and then blackness as my body and mind snap and I collapse to the ground.

I wake up panicked on the ground, the soft earth warm beneath my face....scrambling to my feet, casting my eyes to the sky looking for the dark clouds...and there is none.  The sky is a brilliant blue, the sun bright and warm, I can see this with my eyes but I don't trust it...I can't trust it.  When I started this journey I knew where I was going, there was a destination, but I can't remember what it is now...my mind can't seem to grasp the strings of that memory yet I know in my heart that whatever that destination was I can't go there anymore for it has forever changed.

I started this blog post three weeks ago, a friend sent me that .jpg about the storm, it was so fitting a description of this cancer journey, but all I could put in was the title, I couldn't find the words to write.  I couldn't find my voice beyond that lump in my throat, that lump I tried to ignore because I was so afraid to let that storm loose.  I have been living in a constant state of fear, every pain, every twinge of my body settling all I can think is "oh God, it's cancer."  I let myself believe that first time that everything was going to be okay and I let myself feel safe and then more bad news hit and now I don't know what to trust, I don't know how to lose this wild eyed fear inside my belly.  And then I think maybe the point of all of this wasn't to lose fear, but to use it.  Yes, cancer can come back, I could get hit by a bus, aardvarks could attack me in my sleep.....in the end, I can die.  Not I can die, I'm going to die....but it can be 5 minutes, 5 years, 5 decades from now but what really matters is how am I going to live?  Am I going to go back to how I was living before, ducking my head and plowing through the world ignoring my hurting heart?  Or am I going to really take time to cherish my friends?  To ride that roller coaster?  To hug my Mom?  Am I going to use this experience to fuel my heart, my passions and really live life eyes wide open?  Fuck yes!

So this next chapter of my life, it's about healing and building relationships and friendships and focusing on the good and the possible.  xo