Weirdos with Ice Cream Cones Smushed on Their Forehead aka: Bogus Unicorns

Oh the world of online dating, it's like the Badlands of dating, the regular rules just don't apply.  Dangerous territory really.  Some men take the anonymity that is provided on sites like PlentyofDouche (thank you Kathryn MacPherson) and ask the most inappropriate questions - questions that if they asked in real life they'd get their faces slapped.  Maybe this is just me, but no man ever has come up to me in the grocery store and asked me how big my breasts are!!!

Now if you know me at all, I'm inappropriate, but never, not once have I asked a man how big his dick is within the first five seconds of speaking with him online.  Okay, once.  But special circumstances applied, this is when my addiction raged and I was actually looking to get laid.  Although I have to say I was a little more creative about it, I found "you have a pretty face, I'd like to sit on it" to be pretty effective.  But some dudes, they're just crass.

But I digress.

Now that I've moved past the addiction and I'm actually looking for my Unicorn I just find these guys entertaining and I unabashedly enjoy fucking with their heads.  I have to give some of them credit, they're nothing if not persistent in their quest to get laid but I always end up shutting them down.

EXHIBIT A:
BOGUS UNICORN: Are you trimmed, shaved or natural?  Because I prefer shaved.

ME: Oh that's your preference, is it?  I totally get it, I have a preference for my sexual partner's pubic hair too - it's almost a fetish.  I'm only really turned on by men who trim their pubic hair to look like David Hasselhoff - and not Baywatch David Hasselhoff, Knight Rider David Hasselhoff- bonus points if you can throw your voice and say "K.I.T.T.....K.I.T.T. I need you!"

EXHIBIT B:
BOGUS UNICORN: "That's a pretty dress you have on in your picture, what were you wearing underneath?"  (Their leery, ickiness is just oozing through the keyboard).

ME: "I was wearing military-grade Spanx, really the Hoover Dam doesn't have to hold back as much as these puppies.  God help anyone who is close if they blow it'll take out a damned eye or even worse."

It's like shooting fish in a barrel really. :P

It seems like a whole lot of trouble, this search for my unicorn, but it is certainly worth it when you have conversations like this (getting ready for the wedding):

ME: "I need to go get beautiful."

DA POSSIBLE UNICORN: "You're beautiful right now.  You're going to make yourself glamorous."

Yup....so worth navigating those weirdos with ice cream cones smushed on their foreheads.  Mmmmmmmmmm....ice cream (Liz Epstein!).