Do it for Her.
I've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness, sometimes when I sit with clients what they say triggers me, makes me think about some of my issues, sore spots, wounds. Last week I had the discussion with a client about forgiveness and they said "I forgive myself for this, but I don't forgive myself for that." But. That's not forgiveness to me. Forgiveness is utter and complete and I called the client on this, but driving home it felt real hypocritical that I encouraged them to have this life of acceptance, forgiveness and abundance in their life when it hasn't been what I've always wished for myself.
I've struggled with forgiveness and it's partner's in crime shame and self-bullying for most of my life. I have been so hyper critical of myself for all of my crimes, both real and imagined, for forever. It has been a never ending vicious cycle of blame, shame and repeat - repeat the actions that make me feel like shit about myself, the thoughts in a continuous cycle of hate.
Well I'm not doing that anymore.
I believe that we are given seeds of truth throughout our lives, some that grow and blossom quickly into knowledge that we can access immediately and others that take time to germinate and grow (okay, suck it I failed biology - be impressed I know the word germinate!). When I saw a therapist in college she did this exercise with me, she gave me a pillow and told me to hold it and imagine that it was me at age 5. I have a vivid imagination so this was quite easy. Then she told me to say all the horrible things to this 5-year-old self I was visualizing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say those things to her, because in my mind it wasn't her who committed the crime that made her hurt - it was me. And thinking about it now, I didn't know I was capable of time travel, of going back in time and fucking the innocent, naive, clueless me of the past. Then she said, talk to that little girl, tell her what you want her to know. And I stumbled past the tears, stopping several times as the pain that came so deep from within my soul took my breath away and told her how I was so sorry that she had went through the horribleness and how I wished I could protect her and save her and that I loved her.
It was a life changing experience. And I got the lesson. Well, partly. The part I didn't hear was that this self-forgiveness thing, it's a daily practice, hourly if need be.
My new habit for self-forgiveness in 2014 is to take ownership for my actions, ask for and give myself forgiveness.....and on the days that I can't grant permission to the adult me starring back in the mirror I will look to these pictures and I will do it for her. Because she deserves a beautiful life and so do I.
I've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness, sometimes when I sit with clients what they say triggers me, makes me think about some of my issues, sore spots, wounds. Last week I had the discussion with a client about forgiveness and they said "I forgive myself for this, but I don't forgive myself for that." But. That's not forgiveness to me. Forgiveness is utter and complete and I called the client on this, but driving home it felt real hypocritical that I encouraged them to have this life of acceptance, forgiveness and abundance in their life when it hasn't been what I've always wished for myself.
I've struggled with forgiveness and it's partner's in crime shame and self-bullying for most of my life. I have been so hyper critical of myself for all of my crimes, both real and imagined, for forever. It has been a never ending vicious cycle of blame, shame and repeat - repeat the actions that make me feel like shit about myself, the thoughts in a continuous cycle of hate.
Well I'm not doing that anymore.
I believe that we are given seeds of truth throughout our lives, some that grow and blossom quickly into knowledge that we can access immediately and others that take time to germinate and grow (okay, suck it I failed biology - be impressed I know the word germinate!). When I saw a therapist in college she did this exercise with me, she gave me a pillow and told me to hold it and imagine that it was me at age 5. I have a vivid imagination so this was quite easy. Then she told me to say all the horrible things to this 5-year-old self I was visualizing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say those things to her, because in my mind it wasn't her who committed the crime that made her hurt - it was me. And thinking about it now, I didn't know I was capable of time travel, of going back in time and fucking the innocent, naive, clueless me of the past. Then she said, talk to that little girl, tell her what you want her to know. And I stumbled past the tears, stopping several times as the pain that came so deep from within my soul took my breath away and told her how I was so sorry that she had went through the horribleness and how I wished I could protect her and save her and that I loved her.
It was a life changing experience. And I got the lesson. Well, partly. The part I didn't hear was that this self-forgiveness thing, it's a daily practice, hourly if need be.
My new habit for self-forgiveness in 2014 is to take ownership for my actions, ask for and give myself forgiveness.....and on the days that I can't grant permission to the adult me starring back in the mirror I will look to these pictures and I will do it for her. Because she deserves a beautiful life and so do I.
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