The Exoneration of Bill & Gwen

Dear Judge:

If you are reading this, I am dead, most likely hacked into pieces and thrown in the wood chipper because my parents found my Facebook posts.  I figured most likely that I'll be too busy as a ghost hanging out with Johnny Cash and other awesome people but I wanted to come to Bill & Gwen's defense.  See, in their mind it would be justifiable homicide because they don't know.  What they don't understand is that while anger sometimes hides pain that sometimes humor hides love.  And that is what each post about them has been about.  Covert expressions of love to the two people who found me at my darkest hour and helped lead me back to myself.  We don't say "I love you" in my family, we tease and annoy each other because that's our secret language.  But see below examples of my posts, you can see how they may not see the feelings behind my words.  Forgive them dear Judge, because they are good people and I love them.

Wendy

Exhibit A:
My Dad has been watching 4 days of Criminal Minds marathon straight, now maybe I just have a vivid imagination but I'm getting suspicious. I'm just saying that if they find my body all hacked to pieces that it was not an accident! I repeat, NOT an accident!!!

Exhibit B:
Is it wrong that I'm super excited that my parent's are going away overnight Friday to see Bill Engvall at Casino Rama? I feel like I should have a party or something - you know, the kind of party where the toilet gets broken and people defile the furniture. Or. I could watch the Netflix in my underwear. Damn I'm getting old.

Exhibit C:
At Canadian Tire with the parents, thank God the air gun nailers aren't plugged in or loaded or I could see an "incident" occurring in aisle 5 if Gwen got her hands on it. Ah wedded bliss.

Exhibit D:
Oh my God, if I can ever figure out how to put the screenshots from my Mom and I playing Just Dance 4, FloRida Good Feeling on Facebook I would, it's pure comedy god.

Oh, and she'd for sure kill me.  Slowly.  And painfully.

It'd be so worth it.

Exhibit E:
Maybe this is just a man from the country thing or a man from my family thing but they all seem to enjoy peeing outside even if there's a washroom close by - my Dad is the same. My theory is that it's because they're marking their territory or mocking me because I can't pee standing up - well, not without peeing on my leg. But I digress. Tonight my Momma and I were playing Yahtzee and drinking wine and when Dad went to pee I casually suggested that she should push him into the snow bank when he was peeing.  She was wayyyyyyyyyyyy too open to that idea.  Long story short, if my Dad has to go to the hospital for frost bite know that it was wine's fault...not mine or my Mom's and we're sticking to that story.

Exhibit F:
*ring ring*
Mom: Hello?
Me: Hi.  Can you come here?  It's important.
Mom: (walks upstairs): You wing nut, what are you doing?  I was doing the dishes.
Me:  Moses is so comfy I didn't want to disturb him and if you followed me on Facebook or texted we wouldn't have this issue.  Now watch Moses eat popcorn when I feed it to him.

Exhibit G:
This was a really popular song for 2013, a true sign of how shit 2013 was.  I showed it to my Mom and she thinks there is something seriously wrong with foxes in Norway.  And.  She hates me for putting this song in her head.

Exhibit H:
I sat down to a pleasant meal, excited that after a few spoonfuls that I was finally able to keep food down (mostly) of roasted cauliflower and this kitchen sink ground beef, cheese thingy when they started, Bill & Gwen.

Mom: Can you turn off the goddamned television?
Dad: I could, yes.
Mom: Well go and do it, Jesus christ can't stand this noise.
Dad: *grumbling turns it off*...well it's not that much better, you're still talking.
Mom: Jesus what did you do all day today? You didn't even shave.
Me: See Dad, Mom was probably wanting a romantic night in.

Okay, I see what I did there, I gave them an opening I shouldn't have, but too late the words were out. 

Dad: I'll rub my whiskers on your belly (this was directed at my Mom)
Mom: *dirty look*
Dad: Right on your hooters (again, directed at my Mom)
Me: ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! as I ran from the table.




Exhibit I: 
I asked my Mom if she could start making me meals like this, she said "fuck you," but I can tell she's thinking about it.






Exhibit J:
Me: Mom, look, I put another profile on a dating website and look who is on here, Captain Underpants (aka: the jerk I was dating, we don't refer to him by his name).
Mom: Why would he introduce you to his daughter?  He really has problems.
Me: Yes, and thankfully they're not mine anymore.
Mom: What a cunt stain.

How can I not love this woman?

Exhibit K:
Me: God, Mom is such a selfish bitch!
Dad: Why?  (okay, it was more of a grunt but I interpreted as why)
Me: 'Cuz every morning I wear these tights she tells me they look stupid and here I am today wearing them and she's not here to say it.
Dad: You look stupid.
Me: The TIGHTS!
Dad: I'm just covering all my bases.
Me: You're too good to me Dad.




Exhibit L:
Because I was working late tonight I went into work later this morning, my parents left before me to go to Costco in Peterborough.  Being safety conscious daughter I locked the doors and set the alarm when I went thinking that of course they had a set of house keys with them.

Wrong.

My Mom had to climb in through the wood bin, the alarm blaring as she slid down the woodpile to run up the stairs to stop the piercing sound (I've heard it, it's brutal).

I was really, really sorry.  Probably my sincerity wouldn't have been questioned had I not been laughing so hard at the time nor would my Mom have smacked my forehead.

Exhibit M:
Now I get that how my mind works in general is pretty scary and when I drive and have time alone in the car my imagination kinda runs rampant but today I even disturbed myself.  I was thinking about my parent's and how they are so sarcastic to each other and joking all the time and then I thought maybe that's just their sick version of foreplay and that when I leave they engage in some wild monkey lovin'.  I know.  Disturbing.  Clearly my imagination is out of control.  Still, I think I'm not going to sit on any of the furniture ever again and maybe I'll wear rubber boots inside instead of slippers.
#billandgwenmonkeylovin.

Exhibit N:
We were watching TV this morning and there was a commercial for Ice Pilots where the one guy says to the other "your face is going to hurt soon because I'm going to punch it."

I looked at my Mom and "wow, that sounds like something you would say."
She's like "No.  I would only maybe thunk your forehead."
Dad says "You know the forehead is part of your face."
Mom says "well not in your case, it goes so far back on your head."

Gwen - 1, Balding Billy - 0

Exhibit O:
My Mom, she slays me...she'll hear me use a word and then she'll incorporate it into her every day life. For example I used the word dildo once and now she calls my Dad a dildo when she's pissed off at him (among other things).  I told her about a movie that had the line "cunt stain" and then she called her co-worker a cunt smear.

Today's phrase: "reach around."

Can't wait to see what Gwen does with this one.

Exhibit P:
Dad: Gwen, will you get my glasses for me?
Mom: What?  Do you want me to bend over so I can lick your ass too?
Dad: Sure.
Me: *vomiting profusely in my mouth*  This is a sick environment for me to be recovering in.

Exhibit Q:
So for any of you who ever wonder how I became so fucked up - well my parents and I were looking through a book that had the whole history of the McGill name (my Mom's maiden name) in our area and besides pissing ourselves laughing at some of the names like Ervil, Epizeibah, Lovey and I shit you not, there was even a Worvel.  Anyway, this one description of this dude Henry McGill said "Henry continued his fondness for horses throughout his years."  I, of course made an off-colour joke about old Henry LOVING the horses and my parents both laughed their faces off.  Yes, my parents think jokes about people having inappropriate relations with horses are funny.  So there.  I came by my messed-up inappropriateness honestly, thanks Gwen & Bill!

Exhibit R:
Me: So Dad, what are you getting Mom for Christmas?
Dad: I'm getting her power steering in the Gator as our shared Christmas gift (for those who do not know what a Gator is, it's like an ATV thingie).
Me: Dude.  Seriously.  You've been married for 40 years and you think that's an appropriate Christmas gift?  How have you ever gotten laid?!??!  What about a trip for your beautiful bride?
Dad: Down the stairs?
Me: You're hopeless.

Exhibit S: 
Dad: It's like Chiefy (my Mom's Dad) always says, you've never lived until you've kissed a man with a moustache.
Me: Just how close were you and Grampa?
Dad: *gives me a dirty look*
Me: What?  I'm not judging.






Exhibit T:
Dad: I have a sore neck.
Mom: Take your head out of your ass and it won't hurt so much.







Exhibit U:
Mom: My feet are freezing.
Dad: Oh you're weird, it's not that cold.
Mom: Want me to put my feet on your belly so you can feel how cold they are?

Dear Lord, I hope this isn't part of their foreplay.

Exhibit V:
My parent's are building a shed together.  It's comedy gold.  But I'm steering clear because Dad is pissing Mom off and she has access to power tools.  Because when the cops come I'll want to believe my Mom's claim that Dad fell on the drill and it became lodged in his orifice accidentally.

Exhibit W:
Things my Dad says I don't understand #1: "I don't care if they're gay, but why do they have to have a parade?  My tax dollars pay for that!  You don't see us straights having a parade.
Me: Well Dad, you go forth and have a parade, no one's stopping you - just dear God please don't wear buttless chaps.

Exhibit X:
Discovered as I stumbled to the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning that my Dad sleeps with his door open, and only in his underwear.  Does anyone know how to remove forks from your eyes because I still need to rinse with bleach and those suckers are pretty deep.

In other news, I've decided lesbianism is a viable option.

Exhibit Y:
I called my Mom in to watch my cousin's video on Facebook when she got home from work. It was so cute.  We laughed and the she pointed to my tights and said, "God they're stupid."

I love that woman.

Exhibit Z:
I think my Mom is on the Freedom 60 Plan, but she's confused as to what it means.  See she's not trying to sock away a ton of cash to go on cruises, etc......no, no...she's annoying coworkers, supervisors and well customers to see if she can get fired by her 60th birthday on the 13th.  It's hard to believe at this point in her life that I have to tell her it's inappropriate to goose coworkers.