Using my Mind for Good Instead of Evil.

I have always had a pretty powerful imagination, it has got me through some lonely times.  Even as a kid at recess as I was sitting by myself, with no one to play with I’d sit, my back against the hard brick wall of the school and fantasize and create stories in my head starring yours truly.  Then I used my imagination to escape a reality that was painful and traumatic, to float away to a place where there was no rejection or pain.  

One of the most powerful images that has ever come to me during a time of great pain was the vision of me, standing inside a dark, cold, dungeon-like tower.  The tall brick walls stretched so high to a small window whose light didn’t reach the floor where I stood.   I imagine myself so beautiful, ethereal.  I’m wearing a long white gown and I have a bangin’ body.  I’m thin, healthy, luscious….and for some reason I don’t need glasses.  I am bathed in a white, celestial light that radiates from the core of my being.  I can almost feel the angel’s wings extending from the bones in my shoulder blades.    

In this dark place was my partner.  He is sitting on the cold, damp dirt floor, his knees drawn up to his chest and his neck bowed, with his face buried in his knees, refusing to look up.  Then I kept thinking that he wouldn’t look up.  Wouldn’t look at the light that was me, to see me.  And then I thought…wait a minute!  I wasn’t looking at the light that was me.  And more importantly, I was staying in the prison with him, willingly.  And this was a powerful experience for me, but I was missing a part, an important one.

I’ve turned this into visualization that I do every time that I start looking to everyone else for my light, to engage in this co-dependent behavior that I gravitate to….and I added something to it that has been so enlightening, and it is this.

I imagine the same vision, I see the picture so clear in my mind….but the person sitting in front of me on the floor is not always an ex-partner, but a parent, friend, etc. that I feel has slighted me. 

But there’s someone else in that tower now.

This person is me.  At age 7.  And I’m sad.  And lonely.  And standing in the shadows of the wall, to the left of me, just slightly behind and out of sight.  Crying silently, tears streaking down dirty cheeks. 

Now in the vision I stop looking at the person sitting in front of me and I turn to her, enveloping her in my light and I kneel beside her, take her sweet chubby cheeks in my hands and say softly and gently, “I’ve got you, my girl.  I’m sorry for ignoring you and letting you hurt.  No more.  I love you.  I love who you are.  And I will protect you and nourish you from now on.”

And I scoop her up in my arms, cradle her to my heart and I use those wings to fly high up to that sliver of light and I take my sword (because it’s MY vision, there’s gonna be a sword) and shatter that window, the shards floating to the ground as we fly out to a beautiful sun drenched valley, beside a gurgling brook and I sit there with her playing by the river bank, and Moses is there because wherever there is happy he has to exist.

Finally, I’m using my mind for good instead of evil.