My ideal life

So my fucking therapist (it's okay, he knows I call him this, I think he gets a kick out of it) gave me some homework to do.  I've been struggling a lot lately and needed to get re-focused and back on track so what it was is asking the question: "My life would be ideal if....." in the following areas of my life: Relationships, Money, Emotional/Spiritual & Job/Work.  I struggled with this homework, I avoided it for 2 weeks - I don't know why it was so hard - I've never been shy to say what I think but then I really thought about this.  My whole life I have spent reacting, surviving....flying by the seat of my pants in the midst of chaos and never once has there been a safe place for me to really think about what I WANT.  What I want my life to look like.  And the other piece was that I've hoped before, I've secretly wanted in my heart and I've had those hopes shattered.  Well you know what I'm gonna hope and yes, some of these things are not going to happen but to not put my intention out into the world and work as hard as I can to create and shape the life I want is bullshit and I might as well give up now.  So here it goes....


My life would be ideal if….
RELATIONSHIPS
My life would be ideal if I had a relationship where we both treated each other with respect.  Where my partner and I supported each other emotionally and could talk, not yell when we had disagreements.  We shared some common goals and wanted the same things from life.  He would stand by me as I saved myself and he would be my biggest cheerleaders and I would do the same for him.  We would both want what was best for the other and be happy when good things happened for the other.  We would trust each other, with no jealousy and it would be safe.  My partner called me on my shit and didn’t let me away with crap but was also my safe place to land – and I could be his.  My partner would show interest in some of my activities and mine in theirs – but also to have separate interests and time apart.  We would spend time with each other’s families and friends – my partner would like my family and understand that they are important to me.  My friends and family would like my partner and his family and friends would love the fuck out of me.   Sex would be an important part of our relationship and it would be creative and often.  There would be a lot of hugging, cuddling, non-sexual touching and kissing.  We would sleep in the same bed and never lose that attraction for each other.  We would be committed to making our relationship work no matter what.  He would be my best friend and I would be his.

MONEY
I had control over my spending, that money was not yet another way to place myself into chaos to punish myself, a drug to numb out the pain, or something to spend recklessly before it is taken away from me – but that it was just a tool to create the life I wanted.  In the perfect world money wouldn’t be so emotional to me.  I would have a job that compensated me well for what I did – so I was comfortable.  I would have an emergency fund so that I would never be placed in a situation where I panicked.  I would have savings so that I could build a retirement fund.  I would have a budget that I followed religiously, not just sporadically and then “binged” and got out of control.  I would be able to always take care of myself financially and provide for myself – the basics and more.

EMOTIONALLY/SPIRITUALLY
I had a system in place to deal with stresses when they arose that didn’t involve me eating my way through a fridge, having sex when I don’t really want to or spending money stupidly.  I would be able to be truthful and speak my mind so that I don’t carry and hold onto anger and resentment.  I would have a physical outlet for my stresses that wasn’t sex.  I would be able to respond appropriately to emotions/situations – like crying when I’m sad.  Being so sure of myself, proud of myself, aware of myself that I only attract goodness to me and don’t accept that which doesn’t fulfill me and promote the good.   I would have a support system in place, a network of people, friends and family who could kick my ass when I need it and be a shoulder to cry on.  Spiritually I would have regular time in nature where I could be in the presence of the divine.  I would feel an inner peace and acceptance of myself.

JOB/WORK
My life would be ideal if I had a job where I had regular, meaningful interaction with people – the messiness of human life – to walk alongside people in their journeys.  Where there was a commitment to equitable treatment and a commitment to promoting the wellness of everyone involved including staff, volunteers and clients – that it wasn’t just lip service.  I would feel challenged and had a cause/issue that I really believed in with all of my heart.  I would have a close, family-like relationship with my coworkers where we were each other’s support system and all worked for the common good.  My boss would respect me and my abilities and give me free reign but also temper it with constructive criticism – and would be a mentor, someone whose beliefs and core values matched mine – and they were backed up by action.  I would be paid a decent wage.  I would not work more than a 40 hour work week so that I had a balance of work and fun.