Don't Look Back
I used to like that message about not looking back, only moving forward but I think I needed to look back, to find my perspective and to see how very far I've traveled. And it doesn't mean that I have to be sad all the time or dwell in what was, but on these days where I'm struggling and feeling like I am a failure I stop myself. I reassess what is truth. Yeah, this shit is hard and I'm stumbling but there are always going to be times in this life when I'll be knocked down and dragged through hell and I'm gonna mess up and I just have to learn the hardest thing ever, kindness to myself. Humility. And the choice to pick myself up and dust myself off, pick up my sword and fight again or go back to my half life and die a little inside every day. And my strength, it isn't in acting like nothing is wrong... it is in letting the people I know who love me how I really feel and letting them see me scared, grieving, weak....and vulnerable. The sword it has to be used to fight the monsters, to battle for the life I want, not to hold at bay the people who care because I might get hurt. So it's time to recommit to creating this life I want for myself....and enough self-sabotaging and fucking up and feeling sorry for myself. I WILL make this happen. And I will do it because of you wonderful, beautiful people that I have been blessed to have in my life.
The Fireflies Showed me the Way Home
I took the dog out for a walk tonight - it was late, pretty much completely dark except for the few pink streaks across the sky. It's been a rough few weeks, lots of stress (not to mention polyester-clad trolls who need to be stabbed in the eye), indecision....and yes, fear and I've gotten off track. Fallen into old patterns of avoiding issues, eating stupid shit, not moving my body and more importantly, not taking the time to listen, to remember who I am and what I want my life to be.
I really needed this time to just stop and breathe and listen - look for the path. I remember when I was a kid and things were sometimes scary and confusing I would walk alone at night and I lived in the country, there were no street lights then. I just remember feeling this sense of peace then....looking at all of the stars and feeling so connected. The howling wolves never scared me even though they sounded like they were just over my shoulder because there were monsters in real life more scary than anything nature could throw my way. I just remember the smell of the earth, the sweetness of the breeze....the stillness, the quiet... and the fireflies. When it was so dark that I couldn't see my way in front of me on those moonless nights they lit my way. I felt so safe then, almost part of the night, invisible and it was then that I found clarity, untangled my mind and felt in my heart that the Infinite Being (call it God if you will) who created me made the fireflies shine for me, that I was special and I was loved.
There are monsters in this world, people whose actions are deplorable and it is a choice I have to make, to stand and fight for what I know to be right or back down and let the monsters rule. I remember in Grade 10 a quote that stuck with me, "the inhumanity of one is the inhumanity of all." And tonight, with the fireflies dancing at my feet I realize again, I am loved and I choose love and I'm going to stand for what's right, backing down isn't an option - and whatever the consequences are I'll take them.
The Bucket List
Bucket list is slowly getting ticked off. Today was Cedar Park with my girl Julie Bonsell-Kimmett and her awesome kids.
1) Jumped off the diving board. To be honest, I went up once, chicken shitted out and climbed back down. Went back up the second time, said "fuck it" and jumped screaming my fool head off - with my sunglasses on which gently floated to the bottom. Luckily some kid dove down and got them for me.
2) I went down the water slides - okay only number one and 2, 3 was scary ass... but I ran up those stairs a dozen times. I would have won in the race against Julie's son except for he forgot to mention that he was a track and field star. I'm pretty sure he was on performance enhancing drugs too. I screamed my head off there too...but I was also laughing.
Fear
In 11 days it will be my one year surgiversary where even though I was scared shitless and right up till the last second nearly turned and walked out the door I made the best decision of my life. Yeah, I've lost a shit load of weight, but more importantly I've lost fear. A year ago I wouldn't have went on that slide because I would be afraid I'd get stuck and be embarassed. I wouldn't have got on the diving board because I'd be ashamed of how hideous I looked in my bathing suit. And you know what, I still don't look perfect in a bathing suit....but I still rocked that shit because in the end, I'm alive. 10000%, balls to the wall alive and that is all that matters in the end. :)
Tag and Release
Hard to believe that I met one of the most crazy, perverted, beautiful woman who I am so proud to call friend Sylvie while working at a christian agency. If this isn't scary she asks me for advice on life, men, etc.... I told her about the tag and release program. That's where you sleep with men who are far too attractive to date then release them back into the wild....after you tag them. I am thinking some sort of system where you "tag" them so that you can identify them later in case you meet them and they were so forgettable that you didn't remember sleeping with or dating them. I'm thinking like a permanent marker dot under their balls (God knows most don't wash there), and a colour system:
Blue: Hung like a smurf (I'm guessing smurfs have small penises)
Red: Stop, into some freaky shit that you're not into
Green: Go get you some of that again.
Black: This one is risky because this may not even be a marker it could just be dirty balls...I'd steer clear of this one.
Yellow: Again, there are too many other stains that could make it look like marker... I'd just go with green.
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